My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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