he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
