I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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