4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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