help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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