T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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