From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
