The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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