When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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