No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
