The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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