I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
