I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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