I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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