Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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