u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize