thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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