I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
