This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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