When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
