Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
