she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize