my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
