She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
