I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
