she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
