im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
two words: eviction party
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
