i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
