I'm going to jail i love you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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