I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
