the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize