i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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