I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
