And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How does it feel to date your dad?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
