worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
