bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
