Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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