I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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