Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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