Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
