I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
