We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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