don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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