she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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