I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
