I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
