oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
