I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
