She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
