don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize