I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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