what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
