You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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