i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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