Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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