I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
