I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I think my moral compass just broke
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
