Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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