i don't like sucking hair
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
