i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize