I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
My apartment stinks of burning failure
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
