you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
