so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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