I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize