just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
