: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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