She's JV to your varsity
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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