I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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