I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
