Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
