I cockslap morals
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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